Midge Groany

To continue my attempt to describe something of how the last election for Prez of the Unified State of Arrogance unfolded, I have, of course, to tell you about the "primaries".

The "primaries" could be thought of as a sort of mud wrestling/slinging contest where Prez hopefuls from the Demrats and Repugnants whomped it out with others from their own party. The hopeful who showed that he/she was able to stoop lower deal the dirtiest blows to the others was usually the one who was chosen as candidate for her/his party in the final heat of this quadrennial horse race.

Lets look at the campaign of Midge Groany. Midge was an exception to the rule I wrote about earlier, i.e., that a person had little chance of being selected to any high office, let alone that of Prez, without the backing of people with big check books, a.k.a. "The Big Money Boyz". This meant that most hopefuls had to crawl on their knees before them. Midge though, had his very own fat wallet -- the naive observer might think that this rendered him immune to the whammy from "big money". However, if you ask how Groany got his fortune and hear he got it by "playing the game", that is ripping money out of the system just like everybody else, then you will understand that the Megacorps looked upon him with favorable eyes -- not only was he, so to speak, "one of the boyz", he was making his bid without costing them any thing. If he actually grabbed the brass ring and ran for Prez as the Repugnant candidate, there would be time enough then to invest in him and make sure, one way or another, that he was selected. That is why the Bankers of Illusion pretty much left him alone and did little to point out any let alone all of his many failings which made him a terrible choice as Prez. However, he would make an excellent Supreme Hole -- and that was the main consideration.

Still, Midge had two things against him, one was his (lack of) principles. The other was his religion. On the face of it, it's hard to understand that a lack of principles could be a problem, but the big boyz weren't sure of him on the matter of the Basic Principle of the Repugnant Party -- lowest taxes for those with the most money. The matter of religion was that he was a member of the Moron Church. The Morons believed that the world would soon end with the Return of the Holy Idaho to the Third Galaxy. For some reason, this was a big problem. The astute reader will point out that this sort of belief was common among the Peelers -- Rexona himself, for example, believed that the Great Potato had selected him to be Prez, when every one knew that it was the Supreme Court and not the Great Potato. Furthermore, Rexona believed that the Holy Idaho had told him to invade Wudda-wrek. The point is that a Moron like Midge was no crazier than a Peeler like Rexona.

The bottom line though was that many Peeler churches did not consider the Morons to be "real" Peelers and even with all his money, Midge had great difficulty in overcoming this handicap.