The Automated Army of Arrogance

Some my readers want to know what the deal is with the Synchronized Soldiers of the Automated Army, a squadron of which Detained Jamal Palooka. The simplest way to explain is with this excerpt from the 19th Edition of the Absolute Truth, transmitted to me of course by my unemployed angel from the Third Galaxy. The text begins on page 6986, approximately twelve kilometers from the top and four from the left margin…

...there were considerable and sometimes heated discussions on television, in the newspapers and other approved media of what was now becoming the United Arrogant State concerning the proposed implementation of the Automated Army and the its use of Synchronized Soldiers to protect the National Security of Arrogance.

Approved commentators and pundits were in complete consensus that something had to be done. Serious threats had arisen to the First World Peace in the form of the monster, Ahsawyah Been Lately and terraists such as Boo-Boo Wankerman. To protect the First World Peace, it would be necessary to establish official War Zones – and to properly regulate such Zones, something like the Automated Army and in particular the SS was sorely needed if the National Security of Arrogance was to be secure and free to grow both strong and green.

Although a few serious, responsible critics were heard to ask, “Is this not too much power to put into the hands of even such a man of consummate character as Ronald Rexona?” the public debate was not tarnished with the views of extremists and crackpots of various shades and their tinfoil hat opinions.

We need not concern ourselves here, or elsewhere with their strange ideas and incoherent protests with which they attempted to pollute and confuse the public mind. As space is somewhat limited in this Edition of the Absolute Truth, we cannot allow ourselves the luxury of concerning ourselves with things of no lasting, real or positive influence on the magnificent flow of Arrogant History.

Such interludes are best forgotten or, at the very least, subjected to intense non-remembrance...

In a topical teevee commentary program seen by over sixty-nine million viewers, nationwide, it was made crystal clear that honest opposition to the Automated Army stemmed from a serious misunderstanding of the real nature of the power soon to be invested in the Ronald Rexona, making him the Supreme Hole of Arrogance. That is of course assuming the plan gained Final Approval in the Democratic Process.

The speaker tried to explain the system so that it would seem at least reasonable if not comprehensible to the ordinary Arrogant citizen. As the ordinary citizen had an attention span of less than thirty seconds, this was not as difficult as one might think.

...the movements of the Synchronized Soldiers of the Automated Army will be controlled by “Remotely Integrated Reflexic Action Circuits” – otherwise known as RIRAC.

The intelligent listener, like your self, may well ask: Now, what does that mean, controlled by “Reflexic Action”? It means: in a manner similar to your breathing, sneezing, or even the peristaltic action of your intestines, you know, that funny stuff in your tummy that ends up with you wanting to make poop come out...

Ronald Rexona’s command of the Automated Army will never – I repeat – never be a simple extension of his conscious will. If you pause a moment to consider the immense complexity of the systems required just to maintain and stabilize even the simplest biofeedback functions of the MERDE* cryogenic computers, you will, of course, conclude that the seemingly absolute control of the Supreme Hole over the Synchronized Soldiers, although complete and absolute, is quite superficial...

The combined efforts of large teams of highly-trained and skilled experts are needed to make the many day-to-day decisions and delicate adjustments of both hard- and software. Needless to say, the dedicated men and women involved with this work have been carefully selected!
There is and can be no question whatsoever as to their loyalty and morality as well as deep and enduring belief in, and dedication to, the Arrogant Dream, Freedom, Democracy and the Arrogant Way of Life...

By chance – and then again, perhaps not – the moment when the Automated Army first went “on-line” coincided, somehow, with a time when Arrogant society was obsessively concerned with the maintenance of Law and Odor.

Therefore, parameters for the Sensitivity Factors of Olfactory Unity were possibly set a notch or so higher than perhaps called for by actual conditions. Of course, as soon as our experts determined that the population had come to be more or less on the same level as the number of “bathtubs”, they took immediate steps to adjust these and other parameters to more lenient level.

And none too soon, we might add!

For it was quickly becoming the perception of the ordinary Arrogant citizen that it was a common sight to see squads of Synchronized Soldiers execute in vacant lots groups of “stinkers”, that is, ex-citizens, no longer “registered” in the Central Data Base.
The problem here, of course, is not that citizens were appalled (why should they be?), but that this perception is not only historically incorrect but impugns the reputation and honor of the SS Corps itself.

First of all, most of these vacant lots that is those which not since been replaced by high-rise office buildings or apartment complexes and condominiums, are now covered with weeds. This in itself should be proof enough (as if any decent citizen requires “proof”!) that vacant lots were never used for such purpose, at least not on the scale some irresponsible people claim.

The educated reader is of course aware that in Arrogant History, most words in public discourse and political debate are “code words” for something else. In this case, the word “bathtub” is code for “bankbook”, that is to say, what they stank of, those who were executed in the parking lots (if there actually were any executions!), was insolvency. That is to say the bastards were friggin vagrants and homeless human trash.

Any SS’er will tell you, it wasn’t really necessary to “smell” them. You could tell by their clothes that they had negligible, if any access at all, to real cash-flow in the Arrogant Economy. It is certain that no one was ever executed who had the time to document that they had a firm connection to the Money Machine – despite how they may have been dressed. As the saying goes, “Clothes don’t make the man, it’s his bankbook!”

It is true, there were some, perhaps even numerous, but in any case undocumented reports that otherwise more or less decent citizens spent long agonies in the so-called Mobile Torture Wagons. Even if there is some truth to these allegations, such incidents must have been exceedingly few and always due to some unfortunate and, of course, regrettable misunderstanding, quickly corrected (in most cases) before the individual suffered permanent physical or psychological damage.

It goes without saying that all responsible investigators have shown beyond a shadow of doubt that no actions undertaken by our Synchronized Soldiers have ever or could ever have had any connection whatsoever with the political affiliations (however extreme) of any normal, decent citizen of Arrogance. That is, of course, as long as such affiliations were with organizations deemed legal and not a threat to Freedom, Decency and Democracy, the Arrogant Dream and the Arrogant Way of Life.

One must never lose sight of the irrefutable fact that Arrogance is a Free Society based upon the highest ideals of Peace and Brotherhood. That is to say, honest differences of opinion are not only allowed but are respected and even expected – as long as they stay well within the bounds of decency.

If the Automated Army accomplished anything – it has made Arrogance a freer and safer place in which to live...
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* MERDE = Massively Extended and Redundant Data Environment, a complex array of real-time computers arranged in what might be called a “neural network”. The location of the physical equipment is of course Top Cross-Your-Heart-and-Stick-out-Your-Eyes Secret, but it is certainly buried deep, somewhere, at several “undisclosed locations”...