Monday, July 17, 2006

Synchronized Soldiers, Part I

We met Arnold Schatzenbooger earlier when he led the squad which detained Jamal Palooka in Guanocow. He was Sgt. Schatzenbooger then. Now, partially disabled and a Captain, he travels around the country recruiting young people to elist as Synchronized Soldiers, the elite unit of the Automated Army of Arrogance. What follows is his standard recruiting speech. It’s a bit long, so you will get it in three installments. We start just after the school principal, Mr. Fiddlesticks has just introduced Capt. Schatzenbooger to the assembled students of Poosah City High School…

He is tall, with the sloping shoulders of the man Hemmingway told us to beware of in a bar brawl. His broad chest angles down to a narrow waist while a small but noticeable paunch pushes lightly at his white shirt. Although well past middle age, he is an imposing figure as he strides up to the stage.

Because of the prosthetic replacing his lower left leg, he wobbles slightly and his perfectly tied tie pendulates phallicly as he walks.

He places both of his brown and gnarled hands upon the podium and settles his steady gaze out over the students of Poosah City High School.

[He clears his throat.]

I’m glad to see you could all come here today, as you know, my name is Arnold Schatzenbooger. As Mr. Fiddlesticks, your high school principle, told you in his fine introduction, for which I wish to thank him, I am a Captain in the Automated Army of Arrogance and I am proud to say that I have served for more than twenty years. Most of that time I have been attached to the corps of Synchronized Soldiers.

I also want to thank Mr. Fiddlesticks for giving me the privilege of talking to all of you fine, young people assembled here today. You will all be leaving these halls of learning, if not this year, then in a year or so. If you haven’t already, you should be thinking of what you will do when you take your place as grownups and citizens in Arrogant society.

I’m here today to talk to about the Automated Army and its Synchronized Soldier Corps. This won’t be just pep talk to get you to join the Synchronized Soldiers – I’m not here to advertise for anything! My goal is only to make sure you have an honest idea of what the Corps really is and the vital function it plays in the defense of Freedom and Democracy in general and the security of Arrogance and the Arrogant Way of Life in particular.
Let me start by putting this simple question to all you fine, young people:
“Synchronized Soldier – a career for you?”

My purpose is to make sure that you have all the information you need to answer that kind of question in an informed and intelligent manner.

Before I go any further: if any of you, with absolute certainty have made up your minds that serving in the Automated Army is not a part of your future, there is no need for you to sit here, bored, listening to me. I’ll pause a moment and anybody who wants to, can and should leave – you should feel absolutely free to leave the auditorium right now...

[feet shuffle nervously]

* * * * * * *

Well, it’s good to see that nobody left, I don’t suppose it has anything to do with the fact that Mr. Fiddlesticks is standing over there in the corner [low, mordant chuckle]. It’s also good to see that all of you, even at your age, understand the real meaning of “being absolutely free” to do what you want.

[Arnold clears his throat]

First of all, there’s a lot of misunderstanding about what it’s like to serve in the Automated Army and what it means to be a Synchronized Soldier.

Were not perverts, we don’t get our kicks whacking enemies and undesirable elements – we only do what has to be done to keep the Arrogant State safe, a place where Arrogant citizens can live their lives in peace and harmony, safe from threats of terror and social degeneracy.

Most Synchronized Soldiers are married, have families, a fulfilling and normal sex life with a person of the opposite gender, are intelligent and well educated with at least a high-school diploma, or equivalent.

I have served as a Synchronized Soldier and would still be “in synch” if I still had the full use of both of my legs. But I don’t. There’s no use crying over spilt milk. Instead, I do the next best. I travel around our Arrogant State and talk to young men and women like yourselves. My purpose is to help those who may be thinking of serving our great country in the best of all good ways – as a Synchronized Soldier in the Automated Army of Arrogance – to help them to make the decision which is best for them as citizens and best for our country.

However, the Corps is not for everyone!

The training is hard, sometimes harsh. What else could one expect for those from whom so much is expected? But if you want to serve with the best, in a corps of deeply dedicated men and women – well, all I can say is: the rewards are real and long-lasting. As we say: “Once a Synchronized Soldier, always a Synchronized Soldier!”

As a Synchronized Soldier, you will honorably defend the security of Arrogance, in the War Zones, either at home or abroad.

As a Synchronized Soldier, you will be a member of something truly elite, a corps of brothers and sisters, united in a way no military unit has ever been unified in military history!

The famous Roman phalanx was a disoriented mob and the Light Brigade with their “...not ours to reason why, ‘tis ours but to do and die” was a group of wishy-washy, conscientious objectors compared to a Synchronized Unit in “synch”!

The training is hard because one must have the physical stamina to endure long patrols in the hostile environment of the War Zones and the psychic courage to be able to submerge into your Unit on a moment’s notice without a thought as to what lies ahead.

In a sense, this has always been true of military training!

[to be continued…]

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