Friday, November 23, 2007

The Alien Veggies

Even with direct access to the 21st Edition of the Absolute Truth, it has taken me a lot of time and energy to gather and piece together the little information about the Alien Veggies I present to you here.

As the reader knows, these enigmatic creatures appeared at a most crucial time in the skies of the Third Galaxy and saved that poor world from its imminent and complete destruction.

"Alien Veggies", which is what the people of the Third Galaxy called them, refers not to the beings themselves, but rather the shape and appearance of their strange space ships which resembled cucumbers, squashes, watermelons, eggplants, etc. Themselves, the Veggies looked pretty much like the humans of the Third Galaxy. The question though is whether or not this is their real form as some witnesses claim that there can be observed a sort of flicker in their appearance. The conjecture is that the Veggies are some sort of shape-changers.

The idea is not nearly as wild as it would seem since the Veggies do possess considerable meta-psychic abilities -- that is, telepathy, psycho-kinesis and things of that sort. As a matter of fact, this is probably what impelled them to intervene in the history of the Third Galaxy -- it was not simply altruism, but for their own well being. If that poor world had continued on its terrible path of self-destruction, the extinguishing of the planetary mind and conscious entity would have sent cascades of pain throughout the meta-psychical interstices and the Veggies would have long experienced the agony of despair as the light of awareness was snuffed.

Whatever the actual reason for their intervention, the manner in which the Alien Veggies imposed order and restored sanity to the affairs of the Third Galaxy was direct, to the point and most effective. They made no announcements, no declarations, no show of force -- except that their strange ships hung there in the skies, impervious to any weapons used against them.

The ships formed a pattern, activated a grid and energized a device which came to be known as the Primary Universal Rhetorical Regurgitator Resonator, or PURRR.

The function of PURRR was to cause both listener and speaker to visualize in a most vivid manner the rhetorical significance of what their leaders and media pundits were saying to them on television and other media. This was especially distressful for an asshole like Ronald Rexona. Accustomed to having his handpicked audiences applaud all the bullshit he was in the habit of speaking, he was mortified when audiences in the studio, all over Arrogance, in fact, he himself saw great gobs of slimy turds, green boogers and other excreta fall from his smirking lips and splatter on the floor.

In itself, PURRR was enough to disrupt most organized tyranny. The period of anarchy was brief and the natural leaders who appeared gained easy confidence simply because, when they spoke, shit did not dribble down their chins.

Of course, there were many problems, especially with the environment which had been so arrogantly ravaged, but, like a drunk who has awoken from his stupor, the people of the Third Galaxy with the help and technology of the Alien Veggies were able to turn back the clock on the impending catastrophes.

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