My Alien Drinking Buddy

I have a drinking buddy who is an alien – not the wetback who has to sneak across borders, no visa papers, that sort of thing – but a real alien.

His/its/her name is Pheeg-ah-Mint, and the reason it/she/he is a drinking buddy is I only talk with she/it/he when I’m drinking.

We have some long conversations we do, we two (or three or four). That sounds confused perhaps, so I’ll explain. The creatures of the world from which Pheeg-ah-Mint comes are Triads. That is to say, they are composite creatures and gender as we understand it does not apply. We might think of “Pheeg” as a “he”, “Mint” as a “she” and “ah” and an “it”. However, it is only when they are in “union” that appear to us as an “individual” with which we can communicate. I’ll refer from refer to my friend from here on as “he” – but that is merely a convention.

But what do we talk about, we two (three or four)?

Actually, we mostly argue (which is what drinking budiess usually do). What we argue about is whether or not there is intelligent life on planet Earth.

Pheeg-ah-Mint maintains there are no signs of intelligent life while I, of course take the opposing view. My opening ploy (drinking friends as we know argue about the same things over and over) is usually something like, “If there is no intelligent life on Earth, then why are you arguing with me?” He replies, “Well, you talk to dogs and cats, don’t you? I then make the mistake of replying “I’ve known dogs and cats and even birds that were smarter then some people I know.”

Pheeg-ah-Mint then there then with a smug smile on what passes for a face as if to say, “See?”

“Dammit, Pheeg-ah-Mint, if humans aren’t intelligent, then why do you bother to talk with me?”

“Aw, because I think you’re cute – some of your responses give such a nice illusion of intelligence.”

“An illusion – how can there be an illusion of intelligence?”

“Instinct.”

“Instinct?”

“Instinct.”

“But look at all the things we have done, our cities, buildings, inventions, cars, planes.”

“You know about ants, weaver birds, terns and other birds who fly thousands of miles from their winter and summer residences, salmon who return to spawn where they were born years before?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“And to what you attribute, the cities ants and termites build, the intricate nests the birds weave and the ability of the birds and fish to find their homes over great distances?”

“Uh, instinct.”

“Exactly, and yet, they with their instinct, do they destroy their environments? Humans, wherever they settle and find they have enough to eat, they quickly begin to build things. Look at what you now call Iraq, Egypt, Malta, Easter Island, South America – as soon as you get the chance, you start piling rocks on top of each other, and you keep it up until the ecology collapses and those of you who don’t die off and scurry out into the jungle and scrub for grubs and roots to eat.”

“Uh… “

“It’s all instinct and frankly, the instinct of ants and birds and fish seem to me to be more intelligent. Frankly, your intelligence is about at the level of yeast. You put them in sugar water and what do they do? They eat and divide and multiply until alcohol, their shit and piss, kills them off – and that is exactly what your ‘intelligent” humans do! ”

“If you keep on talking like that, I’m gonna throw this bottle of beer at ya, ya’ damn preverted mélange á trois – youse ain’t nothing but a silly old Pheeg-ah-Mint of muh ‘magination!”