Friday, July 21, 2006

State of Emergency

[Having been established as Supreme Hole and put in charge of the Automated Army and its Synchronized Soldiers with the implant of a chip in his back-brain, Ronald Rexona needed to take one final step to permanently cement his grip on absolute power – he had to declare a State of Emergency that would last until the Clear and present Danger to the Arrogant State was over. This Danger would last forever and therefore the State of Emergency also.

This last point was not mentioned of course but actually mattered very little. The average Arrogant citizen was by now so afraid of Consie, Terraist, and Masher threats, fair and well-balanced reports of which for years had been spewing from all approved media, that is, that 95% of the media controlled by the Bankers of Illusion that they were willing to accept any solution, however draconian, as long as it eliminated these threats. – Man-u-El Ishman]

…Ronald Rexona sits in a chair as makeup personnel flutter about, preparing him for the waiting television cameras, he pinches one of the cosmetic assistants on the bottom, gives her a salacious wink and offers to give her a “special” massage later.

Assistants remove the apron which had covered him while they primped and trimmed, polished and dusted, revealing the hand sewn suit, the perfectly tied and perfectly matching tie, the elegant handmade shoes and, of course, the wireless prompting device strapped, most discretely, to his back.

Ronald needs little prompting now, though. He sits, knocking his knees together in almost erotic excitement, bubbling over like a little boy who knows he’s “going to the Zoo today!”

“Boy! O, boy!” he exclaims, smacking a fist into the palm of the other hand, “This is it! Boy! O, boy! It feels good! Gawddam, I’m hot and ready to go!”

As the final tones of the National Song of Arrogance fades, the cue from the cameraman comes and he gets up from the chair. Chest puffed out like a barnyard rooster, he struts across the television stage

The screen behind the podium shows a projection of our Beloved Flag rippling potently in the wind...

Ronald Rexona steps up to the podium:

Ladies and gentlemen, members of Congress and all you Arrogant citizens: Our Great Country is faced with a Crisis unlike any other which has ever faced our Great Land!

As you all know, we are faced with the threat of Innernashnal Terraism!

Evil people throughout the world are conspiring to deny us our Arrogant right to suck the world dry of resources. Bad people are preparing to demonstrate and misuse our sacred right to Free Speech to steal our Holy Elections and deny us our Democratic Rights! They want to install a consie dictatorship in our fair land! They want to deny us the right to use and consume and throw things away! Why, you ask, do these consies and terraists want to do this? Why do they want to deny us access to the things we need to maintain our Arrogant Way of Life?
The answer is simple – they hate our Democracy and our Freedom!

As we all know – those who haven’t been misled by false prophets and money hungry charlatans – it is the will of the Great Potato, who put us here on this Blessed Earth that we are here to rule the earth! That means: if what we want to do is turn the Earth into a reusable asswipe, well, the GP has already said that’s just okay!

The earth and everything in it is ours! Them resources were placed there by the Great Potato for our pleasure and enjoyment and no consie freaks and tree-huggin terraists are going to deny us what the Great Potato has given us as our nachural burthright!

These mad Terraists will tell you, we must spare these resources, that we must go slowly! How can they say such things? Whether they believe it or not, the fact is: Great Potato is Coming! When the resources are gone, when the oil is sucked dry, when the coal and iron deposits are gone, when the ice caps the glaciers melt and the sea levels rise – so what! It will not matter to our Arrogance! The Great Potato is coming and he will sort the spuds from the carrots and onions (who will be cast into the Outer Darkness, where they will gnash their roots in the eternal agony of their damnation!)

This conspiracy of the Terraists to remove my administration from power must not bear fruit – it was the will of the Great Potato that I became your leader, and it is the certain will of the Great Potato that this administration of ‘tater-fearing people must continue to rule in Arrogance.

Therefore, I find myself forced, much against my will, to do something which no one holding my office has ever had to do:

I, Ronald Rexona declare, because of Clear and Present Dangers to the National Interests and Security of our Arrogant Nation, a State of Emergency which will last until this crisis is over, whenever that is.
This means that, as honest citizens, you will go about your business as usual. You will go to work, shop for groceries and stuff. When you go home from your jobs and occupations and shopping for groceries and stuff, you will turn on your televisions so that you can be properly (and responsibly) informed.

Public gatherings of more than three people anywhere is forbidden. Exceptions are made for family gatherings or prayer meetings announced by an approved faith-based organization.
So, fellow citizens, I ask that you bow your heads and humbly pray with me to the Great Potato that this hour of Dark Trial of our Great Nation will soon be over.

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