Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Synchronized Soldier, Conclusion

[…yesterday, Capt. Schatzenbooger finished telling the students of Poosah City High School about the ever increasing success of modern armies in getting soldiers to kill in an orderly way, that is to say, when ordered. Having reached the apex of efficiency in the Synchronized Soldier, who is a blend of cutting-edge high-tech and foot soldier, he now concludes his lecture…]

Inside, there is a man or woman of flesh and blood, a fully trained soldier of great physical and mental stamina. With muscle power more than quintupled by the hydraulic circuits of their armor – the SS’er is a not only a dedicated, but an exceedingly efficient defender of Democracy and Freedom.

I’m sure you all know that the inside of the big bug-eyed visor of the Synchronized Soldier’s head armor is actually a high-tech display screen! What a Synchronized Soldier sees and hears is called an “Augmented View of Reality”.

Day and night and outward appearance mean nothing to the SS. Where you might see an innocent civilian washing a car, or a foreign peasant feeding his donkey, the Synchronized Soldier sees a slant-eyed, yellow geek; a shifty-eyed jew; an uppity negro or even a pasty-face, fat-ass, white honky – it all depends on the individual soldier’s ethnic background...

With visor engaged and “Synched” into Augmented Reality, when our Synchronized Soldier sees a figure labeled “enemy” or “undesirable element” their Unit goes immediately into action, without any need or desire to think about their personal safety.

The specific action depends, of course, upon the logo accompanying the positive ID.

“Fixate and capture”, “temporarily immobilize”, “eliminate”, “eradicate”, “extraordinarily render”... There are more than a hundred and fifty logos, so our modern SS troopers need to be real smart, well, with a good memory anyway...
When in Immediate Action Mode, our soldiers respond without delay to the integrated instructions of the MERDE computers.

The MERDE is continually being updated in real-time with information data-mined from thousands – millions – of sources. Telephone calls; video and audio surveillance in shopping malls; library loaning records; credit card transactions; supermarket check-out counters – there are even sensors integrated with many public bathrooms!

All these many terabytes of information gathered throughout the Arrogant States and the rest of the world are constantly updated and integrated into the Virtual Assessment of Security & Terror, sometimes called the VAST Panorama or simply:

The Big Picture.

None of this in any way intrudes upon the privacy of any honest Arrogant citizen or even some worthless slob elsewhere in the world. It is done solely to localize, evaluate, pinpoint and eliminate immediate risks to the national security of Arrogance.

In short:

We stop threats to our security before they happen!

You can be 100% sure that, when an SS squad goes into Unit-Mode, there can be no question as to any possible miscarriage of justice. The Synchronized Soldier is incapable of committing murder, mayhem or atrocities in random fashion or without good cause. This is why it was so unjust that some foolish people compare our proud Corps to the Ku Klux Klan. True, they wore white sheets and we white armor – but any reasonable comparison ends there! The fact is, whatever good the KKK may have done, their lynchings were random and based on unreliable parameters like “race” and “ethnicity”. There is nothing random in what we do and there is no room for error...

Everything we do is checked and double checked. As I told you before, I have served twenty years and in all that time there has yet to be one documented instance where our actions have not been shown to have been justified, sooner or later...

You may see someone who, to you, may look like an innocent civilian, screaming in pain while being “fixated for later interrogation”, but you can rest assured, they are scum – why else would we be “fixating” them? You can rest easy and assured, knowing that they are getting no more – and no less – than they deserve.

O, I know, some may ask, what about the unfortunate incident at Guanocow? First of all, that was back in the early days, before the dedicated people working the MERDE were aware that Ronald Rexona, the Great Potato bless him, sometimes had a craving for jalapeño peppers on his bedtime pizza...

What critics fail to tell you is that it was later shown that nearly all the people put down in Guanocow would have been targeted sooner or later for something at least as serious as “recidivist degeneracy” – or worse...

Perhaps you want to join our proud Corps, but it’s a long time before graduation? So, you naturally ask yourself: What can I do now, so that I’m prepared to join the Automated Army later? Well, there is a there is a lot you can do!

First of all, keep yourself fit, get lots of exercise, play team sports, work out, say no to drugs of course and abstain from all perverted sex practice and lifestyles.

But here is a real good tip!

Play all the most violent and realistic action computer games you can get your joy stick in! Fact is, the experience of a soldier in “synch” is much like what you see and do in the best, high-powered, action-filled computer games. The only difference is that the Soldier’s experience is ever so much more virtually real.

Sometimes it is so real that we have difficulty differentiating fact from fiction – and that is why it is always a comfort to know that we are guided in all we do by MERDE.

If what you see in a computer game doesn’t give you the queasies, then you will be okay as a soldier! No matter how bloody serious the action may get in a War Zone, when patrol is over and you return to base, your armor is always spooled down before you raise your visor and disengage. In fact, when a soldier raises the visor, as far as he or she knows it all could have been just a computer game in virtual reality!

No body parts or hair stick to the armor. No blood or excrement is smeared across the shining surface. The golden double thunderbolt gleams on the trooper’s chest. The Synchronized Soldier is a clean machine! As far as he or she knows, the people they had just seen themselves stomping on or kicking the bejeezus out of may never have actually existed!

When mission is done, it’s just a matter of getting out of your armor, maybe having a beer or two with the gang and then take a ‘chopper home to the family and kids.

It’s great to be a Synchronized Soldier and if I still had the full use of both of my legs, I’d be in “synch” today. But, I find continued pride and fulfillment as a recruiting officer for the SS.

Do you have any questions?

As is well-known, the 20th Edition of the Absolute Truth was never published. It was still in the final stages of redaction when the spaceships of the Horticulture Crew appeared in the skies of the Third Galaxy and War Zones were outlawed by the Alien Veggies.

Transcripts of lectures such as the one above by Capt. Schatzenbooger were submitted as corroborating evidence, at the war crimes courts set up by the Alien Veggies. These and other documents will be included in the 21st Edition of the A.T., which is nearly ready for publication. We wish to thank the editors of the A.T. for having allowed us to use this transcript here.

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