Tuesday, February 13, 2007

The Mad Pounder

They called him the "Mad Pounder".

He was a sergeant in the United States Army, stationed at the same godforsaken post at Sinop, Turkey as I. Myself, I was a Russian linguist and spec five.

Linguists were called "Monterey Maries" by the other enlisted men -- the reference being to what was then called the United States Army Language School located at the Presdio of Monterey.

The reason we were called "Maries", besides the alliteration, was, I suppose, a combination of anti-intellectualism and plain jealousy. Because of the way the Army works, people who went to the school generally had a higher rank than other enlisted. I got my spec five patch on November 22, the day JFK got whacked by whoever.

Another piece of trivia I can't confirm is that Harvey Lee Oswald also attended the language school, where he learned Russian prior to his stint as a double agent. Frankly, I don't quite believe this story -- but then, I don't believe the story that Mr. Oswald is the guy who put JFK's light out.

Yeah, I was a "Monterey Mary" -- in fact, they called me the "Queen of the Maries", an insult I never understood. My job was to transcribe the recordings of Russian military voice traffic we picked up from the rocket testing grounds on the other side of the Black Sea.

What the "Mad Pounder's" job was I have no idea -- but I know why they called him that. He was a little, kind of scrunchy fellow and was, uh, excessive in his masturbation in the toilet stalls.

It was unbelievable, he'd be in there, behind the door to the stall, "Whop! Whop! Whop!", the tops of his spit-shined combat boots going up and down...

Anyway, to make this story, which I admit has no bearing whatsoever on human history in particular and the fate of the planet in general, to make this story short, the base commander somehow heard that this sergeant was referred to as "the Mad Pounder" .

"What! Is he beating the men?"

"Er, no sir, he's beating his meat"

I made that verbal exchange up, of course -- I have no idea or way to know what was said.

However, I do know that the upshot was that the base commander ordered that the doors be taken off the toilet stalls.

That, such as it is, is the story of the "Mad Pounder".

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