The Great Potato

I recently had a comment where someone, whom I otherwise respect, implied doubts regarding the reality of the Great Potato -- not only that, he posed some belief in the illusory deity of that well-known apostate, Charles Schulz. I was shocked, I tell you, shocked!

First of all, I must point out that the Great Potato's efficacy as a know-all deity applies only to the Third Galaxy and, as I have told time and time again, events, happenings and unfortunate realities in the Third Galaxy [a parallel universe to our own] have no relation to our world [unless, of course, you read between the lines].

That said, it is very important to understand that, in the ancient texts, the Name of the Great Potato was four letters which usually rendered as "SPUD". Actually, in the original language it would be written as "!?!?", which, according to the authorities which I recognize as authoritative, is a peculiar form of the verb "to be" -- in fact it is a sort of mixture of past, present and future of "BE!".

In brief, the name of the Great Potato simply means, "that-which-has-been-is-and-always-will-be" -- which a simple mortal like myself would profanely call, "Reality" or "What-Is".

Okay, you got that under your belt?

In their course of history, for one reason or other, there arose two conflicting developments to the understanding of the Great Potato as put forth in the Holy Book. These are known as the Peelers and the Mashers.

I will confine myself here to the Peelers.

The Peelers believe that the Great Potato "sprouted" a single Spud. Known as the Holy Idaho, He was "peeled" and "french fried" in a most gruesome manner. This happened because of the Will of the Great Potato in order to keep the humanity [such as it was] of the Third Galaxy from an even worse fate.

Therefore, the Peelers believe that, unless one "accepts the Holy Idaho as ones Personal Spud" one will be damned to a fate ever so much worse than being French Fried Forever! I have not been able, even though I have looked closely into the 2nd and 3rd level footnotes of the 21st Edition of the Absolute Truth, been able to ascertain exactly what this fate must be. I figure that it is on the order of being confined to a McDonald's for eternity and forced to consume two, perhaps even three "happy meals" every hour!