The Muddled East

I've got good news and bad news, although, which is which, or whether both are both, that is both good and bad, I'm not quite sure I am prepared to evaluate.

First of all, my unemployed angel from the Third Galaxy, Man-u El Ishman has got itself a job -- where, I don't know. Perhaps it is being coy, or maybe it really has, as it has implied, been given a secret assignment by the Great Potato.

The second is that I have been granted, personal access to the 21st Edition of the Absolute Truth -- and that includes access to the 2nd and 3rd level footnotes!

What follows are my first efforts at researching this tremendous document.

Hardly knowing where to start, I decided, on a whim, to delve first into the Muddled East and the Balastinian conflict -- after all, it was the assassination of Prime Minister Icky Rabid which lit the fuse that some years later led to the conflagration known in some circles in the Third Galaxy as the Ultimate Wars.

Icky Rabid was the Prime Minister of Getreal and it was his deal for peace with the Balastinians which led to him getting blown away by four shots from a handheld gun at close range, even though he was surrounded by security guards,. The problem was that the peace deal included the surrender of certain lands which hard core elements in Getreal politics felt was not only treason but blasphemy to the Name of the Great Potato. The reason for that is because, in the Book of the Great Potato it is writ these lands had been "given to His People for all perpetuity". These hard core elements looked upon the Book as if it was both title and deed from the Great Potato. That other people, the Balastinians, had been living on the Land for a couple of millennia, well, that unpleasant fact was that it was just too fuggin bad for them!

True, not all, in fact not even most Getreal citizens held to this extreme view, but this was of little consequence as the fear of terra from the Balastinians was not only generally perceived but was in fact quite actual and real.

The policy of the hard core then was to discredit, make impossible or outright eliminate those with whom real negotiations for peace were possible -- that is, if the peace settlements included the surrender of any of the Holy Land which had been given to the People by the Great Potato. This is what happened to Icky Rabid and probably Yessir Pylacrap who died in a manner suggestive of poisoning.

Yessir Pylacrap had been the leader of the Patah movement which, although corrupt and autocratic, had the backing of most Balastinians and, although the term terraist was not inappropriate to apply to his personage, at least he was a fellow one could negotiate, in fact cut a deal with.

Therefore, the hard core did something real cool, they helped spawn and, in the beginning at least, nurtured the Humus movement. The Humus [lit. Party of God] was, in the beginning a religious and social welfare movement. However, as time went on and it became apparent that Getreal had no real intention of giving up the "occupied territories" [this is, in itself a long and complicated story which I will not talk about here], that is, the Eye Strip and the West Bank, the Humus movement became, not only a rival to the Patah party, but exceeded it in militancy.

With the death of Yessir Pylacrap -- however he came to die, he was dead and his position was taken over by his assistant, Mommy bin Poppa. The Arrogant and Getreal governments put great pressure on Mommy bin Poppa to hold free elections -- ostensibly, this was to enhance his legitimacy. Poppa agreed only after some serious arm twisting and lost the election. The Humus party won by a landslide because the Balastinian people were sick and tired, in fact pissed off at the Patah movement -- while they lived in squalor and poverty, Patah officials had gold faucets in their bathrooms.

The reaction of the United State of Arrogance was that, democracy is fine as long as you elect the people we approve of and almost all aid was stopped, which, in turn resulted in even more poverty, squalor and an unemployment rate of more than 60%.

It also resulted in more conflict between Patah and Humus until, after a weeks long mini civil war, Patah was thrown out of the Eye Strip and later the West Bank. The result, whether planned by Getreal or was simply the abysmal incompetent arrogance of Ronald Rexona, was two fold -- there was no longer a party which the Getreal government could be expected or could negotiate with and, because of the increasing squalor and misery along with the military incursions into the "occupied territories, many young Balastinians began to join the Al Qube movement of Ahsawyah been lately.

That is a most brief introduction in the reasons many say that the murder of Icky Rabid lit the fuse that later exploded into the Ultimate Wars.

[As always, remember, these events from the Third Galaxy have nothing whatsoever to do with our own world -- Jeeze! Don't you think we have enough problems on our own?]