Saturday, January 05, 2008

Quadrennial Horse Races -- First Heat

[A report straight from the Third Galaxy...]

Well, folks, they are off and running at the Quadrennial Horse Races here in the Third Galaxy! These are the entertaining contests which will eventually determine who can be selected as Prez of the Unified State of Arrogance later this year!

As you know, the Dumbrats and the Repugnants run separate, but not equal, races until a hopeful from each party wins the Brass Ring, that is enough points to have a lock in when they hold their Hoorah-ventions. The Hoorah-ventions are big meetings held in late summer where the Dumbrat and Repugnant delegates gather and the winner of their Brass Ring is announced as candidate and the "Next Prez of the Unified State of Arrogance!!!" -- then they all shout, "Hoorah!!!"

The first heat was won by two dark horses, Hug Fug'n'flee and Bulimo Charismo for, respectively, the Repugnants and the Dumbrats.

Bulimo, who is literally a dark horse, showed the charisma for which he is already famous when he thanked the people who had campaigned so hard to help him win this important first heat. Although he is able to speak coherently without a script and can pronounce words of three, four, even five syllables with out getting his tongue caught in his teeth, no one seems to hold this against him, just as no one holds his light chocolate complexion against him -- at least not in public. The people who heard him speak after it was certain that he had won the first heat by several lengths over his main opponents, Johnny Endwards and Pillory Flintstone were reminded of the oratory skill and the hope they felt when they heard John Kennedy and Martin King speak, that is before they were snuffed by "lone gunmen".

The Repugnant hopeful, Hug Fug'n'flee, is a dark horse of a different color, so to speak. The "Hugger" is not popular with the top people in the Repugnant Party and even less so with the Big Money Boyz. Their dislike is mainly grounded in the fear that they may not be able to "control" him. For years, the Rupugnants have curried the favor of the Religious Right -- that is the Peelers who believe that every thing that they believe is right and the country should be run and laws made according to their right beliefs. Many of them also believe in the Rupture and the End of the World. Therefore, they have little or no problem with the impending disasters because of climate change in the Third Galaxy -- or, for that matter, a war fought with nuclear weapons of mass immolation. Megadeath would be of picayune importance to them because, "The Holy Idaho will take us to the Great Colendar in the Sky!"

Finally, they were all pretty much in agreement that the Great Potato had Blessed Arrogance and given it a Mission to Bring the World to its Knees Before the Holy Idaho. If that required trashing the world killing most of its heathen inhabitantsthe people -- that was no problem.

The problem was that, although, these nut jobs vote for the Repugnants, the Repugnant main priority remains: tax breaks to the richest 0.1% -- the Big Money Boyz. This is where Hug Fug'n'flee has his edge! Not only is he a preacher man, he is for family values where a man and a woman have children and he is for the Book of the Holy Idaho being used in teaching science in the schools. On top of that he plays a pretty cool electric bass and has a firm, although nebulous grasp of foreign policy. This means he could play a mean riff on the bass when he sends bombers off to whomp some country he had just learned the name of -- heck, if they are against us and harbor terraists, what more does a fella need to know?

Besides him being a dark horse, there is another, darker side to the "Hugger" . When he was governor, he pardoned a serial rapist/killer who demonstrated the extent of his rehabilitation by raping and killing two more young women -- that we know of. Of course, everyone can make a mistake in character judgment now and then and we hope voters in later heats of the Quadrennial Horse Races will not hold this against him. However, the reason for the pardon was because the flaky right fringe of his constituency when he was governor were convinced that the rapist' conviction was a plot by Pillory Flintstone's husband, Bill "Big Dog" Flintstone when he had been governor of the same state some years earlier. These people had fantasies that the "Big Dog" was in league with the devil and ate little babies for breakfast along with his eggs and grits.

On the other hand, this sort of thing may be a positive for Mr. Fug'n'flee! The Religious Right who vote for him may feel that he will enforce their flaky ideas that the Book of the Idaho supersedes the Ground Law!

There are many more things that could be written about the hoopla there has been around this first and, in itself, minor first heat. But we have to get ready for the next round which takes place in New Hamhock in a few days.

Will Pillory beat Bulimo? Will Endwards beat them both?

As for the Repugnants, Fred Dumbson seems to have quit the race, which was the least dumb thing he has done this past year, if true. But that leaves Randy Jelliyoni -- has he really worn out his "I was there on Terrible Tuesday!" line? Only time will tell. This first heat left Midge Groany groaning, however, he swears he will come back with more money from his personal piggy bank. On the other hand, will Mad Kane take the lead, now that the Big Money Boyz have figured out that his "maverick" image is just a shtick and made him their favorite figure to shower money on? Again and again -- only time will tell!

Or will that darkest of darkest of dark horses, the Outsider Himself, Wrong Pawl continue to grow his grassroots while hiding his connections to the ugliest fascist elements hidden in the underbelly of Arrogance?

Only time will tell!

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