Friday, June 09, 2006

The Holy Kubark

All three of us who read this blog regularly (I, me and myself) know by now that “Torture is Bad”.

It is bad, not because we say it is (although we do – torture is bad, torture is bad, torture is bad…). It is bad because the evil intent behind torture is to destroy to destroy the humanity in people.

When the humanity in one human being is destroyed, something is destroyed in the common humanity of all people.

I could give you quotes from Jesus and Mohammed – but I won’t.

If you call yourself a “Christian”, a “Muslim”, a “whatever”, and can’t see that what I’m saying is at the heart of the message given to all of us through all normative religious figures – well I don’t want to say things about hell fire, but you’re going to have some explaining to do on that Ultimate Day about exactly why you thought it fit to call yourself a “Christian”, a “Muslim” or a “whatever”.

I don’t know why I rant like that! We all know that Americans would never torture, that our gov’t would never and that our President would never condone torture or allow others to do it for us by proxy or by sending people on unmarked airplanes to Syria, Morocco, Egypt, Pakistan and other vacation spots. In any case, the only times it has happened is when some damn nosy investigating reporter or smart ass blogger has dug down and documented that it has.

Reality is much worse in the Third Galaxy, where, according to my unemployed angel, this meeting took place…

Somewhere in the Mystical Grey Building

“So, these are the final designs?”

“Yes, the main difficulty has been in getting the Cubicles to function properly and at the same time to make efficient use of space – we don’t have the kind of room in a MIAOW that we have in a PIF.”

Dr. Churrin interrupted, “The biggest problem was the soundproofing combined with the machinery to adjust the size of the room containing the individual detainee.”

“Dr. Churrin is absolutely correct – soundproofing is critical to controlling a detainee’s aural sensory input. It’s crucial to attain complete control over sensory deprivation – if we can’t get that right we might as well go back to pulling toenails and electrifying gonads.”

“And that would be torture...”

“And torture is forbidden!”

“Unless, of course, the Supreme Hole says it’s in the National Interest, then it’s okay!”

“Or in the in the name of National Security!”


“All hail the Holy Kubark!”


The KUBARK mentioned here has no connection in any way, shape or form with the KUBARK of the CIA of the United States. What is being referred to is a handbook on the use sensory and sleep deprivation, heat, cold, regulation of caloric intake and “moderate” violence in the coercive interrogation of detainees. The usefulness of these methods is that detainees can be broken quicker and more reliably than with the bloody and invasive techniques usually associated with torture. True, this is more or less exactly what the CIA’s KUBARK is about – but still, we must insist that any supposed apparent connection with what happened in the Third Galaxy is completely coincidental!

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