The Sad Case of Mr. Said

Before we get to Mr. Said, we need to recall Jamal Palooka. We met him in June when we read two differing accounts of his Detainment by a Squad of Synchronized Soldiers. He was Detained at the request of MERDE (Massively Extended and Redundant Data Environment), and kept in Protective Custody while undergoing Coercive Interrogation.

Mistakes by the ASS (Arrogant Secret Service) were the cause of his Detainment and he was later released by the ASS. We strongly suspect that glitches are much more common than the ASS people will admit. Also, ASS operations are conducted throughout the world and not just in Legally Declared War Zones like Guanocow.

Perhaps we should look at a couple of excerpts from official Arrogant government communiqués:

“Mr. Palooka is entitled to practice religion as his conscience dictates and his time in Protective Custody had nothing to with his adherence to Masherism. Most Arrogant citizens however [i.e., those who follow the Holy Idaho] believe the Arrogant State was founded by the grace of the Great Potato. Mashers bang their heads on the floor five times a day and some assume they are not loyally Arrogant. In fact, Mr. Palooka proved his lack of loyalty after his release from Protective Custody.”

“A truly loyal arrogant citizen would have taken the lumps life had dealt him and, despite the fact that his son was dead, his wife gone and apartment taken over by complete strangers, he didn’t do what a truly Arrogant citizen would have done and just gotten with his or her life. But not this Jamal Palooka person! Instead, he fled to the Outlands where he spread lies and disinformation about the United State of Arrogance.”

That’s their story. The truth of the matter is that the ASS is notoriously ineffective as most of their agents’ work goes into keeping themselves in the good graces of superiors whose prime desire is to tell Ronald Rexona what he wants to know, confirm him in his abysmal ignorance and, most important, not disturb his delusion that he is doing the will of the Holy Idaho Great Potato in spreading Democracy like it was raspberry jam.

For example, take the sad case of Mr. Said, a citizen of Sandy Aridya who had settled in Tanzamnesia where he ran a business as a used car salesman. Suddenly one day he was arrested and taken to the border where he was handed over to a group of people who blindfolded him and cut off his clothes. He then heard someone taking photographs. They covered his eyes with wax, put earplugs in his ears, jammed a butt plug in his asshole and put a diaper on him. Shackled hand and foot he was flown many hours on the floor of an airplane to – Somewhere. He was then put in a dark cell where loud music was played constantly.

Over the many months of his captivity he was often shackled by one hand to the ceiling. He was questioned many times about things he knew nothing about. In particular, they wanted to know why he was trying to acquire airplanes. This he denied. Finally they played a tape recording of telephone conversations he had had with his brother back in Tanzamnesia.

“But I’m saying airplanes!” he cried, “I’m saying ‘tires’! In my language, airplanes are called ‘tayarat’ while but the word for ‘tires’ is a English loaned word ‘tirat’.”

He asked the interpreter to explain the error and his captors stopped asking about airplanes. A few months later, he was given a new pair of shoes a little money and released on a street corner in his homeland. He had been away for 18 months.

All I have to say, dear hearts, is we should be grateful that shit like this doesn’t happen in our world, nothing that even comes close!