Thursday, December 13, 2007

A Cornflake and Hallibut Incident

Yet once again, the scene is a plush office in the Dream Zone which is located in Bodybag, the capital of Wudda-Wrek. This is the only place in the country where an free, Arrogant citizen can walk freely about and, for example, enjoy a McBarf burger without fear of a bullet or a piece of shrapnel flying through the lightly salted freedom-fries.

An aide rushes in...

"O no," groans the bald, fat man behind the desk, "it's not Brackwater again?"

"No sir!"

"Well, good news for once?"

"Not really sir, it's Cornflake and Hallibut!"

"O, jeeze, what have they done this time?"


The fat man yawns, "You know the going rate -- the girl's family gets a thousand dollars."
"Gang rape, sir..."

"How many?"


"Five thousand, then."



"She's an Arrogant citizen, sir -- and an employee of Cornflake and Hallibut..."

"Holy shit," groans the fat man, "as in when it hits the fan!"

"Indeed, sir -- they slipped her a 'roofie' and she woke up the next morning in her bunk, naked, bruised, beaten and scraped, bleeding between the legs.


"Her breast implants were all crooked because her pectoral muscles were torn"

"Doctors have seen to her then?"

"Not right away, sir."

"How's that?"

"When she was going to report the attack, they locked her in a shipping container for a day -- but then one of guys guarding her lent her his cell phone and she called her father back in Arrogance..."

The fat groans once again and lights a cigarette, "Go on."

"Her father called his congressman and the congressman called State and State called the Army -- the Army sent a unit to get her out of the container and had her taken to a medical exam and that's were are our problem is."

The fat man takes a puff, "Problem?"

"Yessir, the rape kit confirms everything, there was even still traces of the rape drug."

"Those are the facts, where is the problem?"

"The problem is that who do we give the rape-kit to? Everybody seems to want it!"

"You said she was a Cornflake and Hallibut employee?"


"Well, then it's a no brainer -- give it to Cornflake and Hallibut."

"But sir, don't you think...?"

"No, I don't think -- I don't even want to think about 'think'!", growled the fat man, "You do know that Cornflake and Hallibut has a no-bid reconstruction contract here in Wudda-Wrek?"


"Then you also know that companies that get to feed on no-bid contracts all have connections to 'Big Dick' Snarly?" The fat man leered, "Anyway, with a face like that and breast implants, the little mink was kind of asking for 'action', don't you think?"

"Well, sir, I really don't know."

"Whatever, give the rape kit to C & H and things will go smoothly."

And so, the rape kit was given to Cornflake and Hallibut. "Somehow", the rape kit was "misplaced" and later declared "lost". This was unfortunate for State, the Army and the female employee as there was no longer hard evidence on which to build a case, legal, criminal or civil. On the other hand, Cornflake and Hallibut only had to fire one employee instead of five, true, the five won't get a Christmas bonus this year -- but, hey, every thing counts on the bottom line, right?

Also, on the bright side is that the girl's pectoral muscles healed and her breast implants could be shoved back in place. She will be able to engage in sexual activity of her choosing -- once she gets over the psychic traumas of her ordeal. Also, she can take a crap now without too much discomfort.

Also, in other ways she was probably fortunate, she was 20 years old and a citizen of Arragance, not a 15 year old Wudda-Wrek female.

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